Have you ever been in a time of extreme sorrow and confusion? Those times that the pain is so deep you're almost sure if you fall in any further that you won't be able to see the light at the top anymore? Or one of those times that everything you knew suddenly vanishes... all of your prayers, all of your plans: poof.
You're left confused and lost, feeling like you did that one time you lost your parents in the grocery store and you have that feeling in your gut like you're falling...
That was me a couple of weeks before I left for Cali. Sometimes things don't hit until a little afterwards. I think that I was still going through the stages of grief from the rapid change that was happening in my life. Looking back now, and still in the learning process, I don't think I knew how to grieve really well... then again, who does... it's grief.
I felt so bitter towards God... Like He had lied to me this whole time about the things that mattered most deeply to me. I felt like He led me up a mountain of hopes and dreams, just to push me off the edge when I've almost reached the top. And then what? Expect me to run to Him for safety and abide in the comfort of His arms? Saying that probably already revealed that my perception of Him was totally disoriented. I went from being so in love with Him to feeling completely betrayed and taken advantage of.
I spent hours on the phone with my mom and my friend, Ally, and through the hot tears dripping down my lips I said I didn't believe He existed anymore. And if He did, I didn't want anything to do with Him. Because of the hurt and sheer panic I was in, I had been so unkind to the people I loved the most and in return, hurt them also.
I could tell they were shocked... honestly, I was too. But if you have ever been in that deep of pain before, I don't need to explain further. You already know what it's like to question it all when your world seems to be falling out from beneath you.
I spent a week out of prayer. Any time I would naturally start talking to God I would catch myself and be silent. I refused to think about Him or anything relating to spirituality. I didn't read my Bible. I started to watch YouTube videos on scientists "debunking" Christianity and went completely off of "logic" and what I could see... because what I could see was what was what was real. Right? Actually... not right. Little did I know during that pain and the doors that He closed for that specific time, He was strengthening and building the foundation in which I would need to grow stronger and sustain my future.
I am not telling you all of this to encourage you to have thought processes like this in times of pain like it's an okay thing to have. Yes, it is natural... but I am telling you this so that the next time you run into a wall of chaos, you know what to hold on to and can stay strengthened and in the Lord. It helps to know someone else has been and gotten through it.
We cannot limit ourselves to what we can see. After we press on far enough, we can look back and see the bigger picture. But, in the midst of it all, we have to trust that He is good and that He knows... And that any time the devil may have tried to steal from, kill or destroy you, He is always working it out for your good.
That time without Him was honestly terrifying. I felt unsure... I felt unsafe every time I drove my car because I was relying on myself to get me through (and the fact of how unstable I was during the pain should have been reason enough for me to know I shouldn't have been on my own). I felt alone. I felt like a chunk of me was missing. I lacked compassion for people, I lacked patience, understanding, and I wasn't able to think clearly.
I'd be lying if I told you the moment that you accept Jesus into your heart and choose to become a Christian, all life problems will go away and no pain or issues would be the new norm. But there is a God who is good all of the time. There is a God to which every knee will bow and every tongue confess, including that of the evil one, that He is Lord over all. And like my mom told me so boldly, and I will never forget it:
"God is real, Arianna."
He is real.
And you can take my word for it because of this story. I know what it's like and I have been there in the place where you just question everything and you want to throw up every day because of how confused and hurting you are. I lost 6lbs in a week from not eating because of what I was dealing with and that may not sound like a lot but, for me it is since I'm super tiny. My ribs were poking through and I was sickly skinny and didn't even want to look in the mirror because of it.
Everyone deals with pain differently, too. Some people go to food, some people can't even look at it, some people need to be able to just have a friend to listen, some need wisdom and words from that close person...
But I shared this with you for a reason and one of those reasons is not for sympathy or pity. It is so that you know in times like this, to RUN TO HIM. RUN. TO. HIM. It is so you know someone you can stand with that's been through it before and you aren't alone. And it is so you can know that you don't have to resort to a week without prayer and that God is good even in the times the enemy twists your perception of Him.
Sometimes just sitting in His presence with worship music on and weeping is what brings healing. Being with Him is what brings it. And that healing is supernatural.
I pray for anyone reading this that is going through something similar to this story... I pray you continue to strengthen yourself in Him and that you even allow yourself to grieve, but that you don't isolate yourself and rather run to the Father who sees and knows it all...
If you have any questions or need encouragement/someone to talk to/prayer, please feel free to contact me and/or comment how this helped you.
life is a wild ride... but it's worth it when we do it with Him...
-Ari
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